Judaai Is Not The End of Pyaar

My dad’s friends’ love stories always amuse me. Some of them started dating whilst in college and stuck to their relationship even as they travelled to different cities to pursue their careers, post grad degrees and all that. ‘They didn’t even have telephones back then, letters were their only hope,’ says Dad. ‘Besides, breaking up was not an option for them. They had decided already that this person was their life partner. They did what they had to and made it work!’ And mind you. There were no mobile phones, no pagers, and no email back in their day. ‘People didn’t even have telephones, you had to go to the neighbours’ if you wanted to make a call’ Dad tells me.

Next morning my phone goes frantic. SOS messages. ‘I think I am getting dumped,’ one message says.
‘She’s moving to UK, I am breaking up!’ another message says. Wow! Last night’s gyaan is totally out of date, I tell myself as I get out of bed. Most of my friends, me included, strongly believe that long distance relationships are just not worth the effort.

‘My girlfriend went to Singapore for her masters and within 3 months all I had left was astronomical phone bills, crazy amount of time wasted on the computer, cartloads of angst and a dysfunctional relationship,’ says Mr. J. Add to it, facebook made it prominent that his girl was busy but with parties and fun outings. ‘If a guy flirted with my girl when she was here in Mumbai, I wouldn’t give a damn but a picture with a guy randomly putting his arm around her on facebook pisses me off now that she’s so far away!’ he adds. They finally broke it off because their relationship started becoming a liability.

‘There’s no point of being in it if everything about your relationship bothers you. Not having your guy around to hug you, to tell you it’ll be alright is just not cool. I miss him, but I don’t miss the online fights. I’m glad it’s over,’ says Mr. J’s girlfriend.

Kinda paints a bleak picture about long distance, doesn’t it? As Ashish Chand accurately puts it, for many people a long distance relationship is the kiss of death. Ashish firmly believes that they can work, however, this is conditional. ‘If you’ve just met someone and the relationship goes long distance, it’s going to fail. At this stage you crave for each other. You want to be physically close. But if you’ve gotten over the clingy phase, there is hope in spite of the distance,’ he explains.

Poo, a self-confessed commitment phobic agrees with Ashish and thinks that long distance relationships just get a lot of bad PR, ‘Long distance isn’t as bad as it’s made out to be. If you are someone who values your space, it can be a boon.’

Of course, Poo firmly believes that in addition to constantly reassuring your partner of your love, you have to have mutual trust and the ability to be very open with your partner (which is where the Js failed) ‘With email, chat, skype and other such tech innovations, long distance is definitely possible!’

But what happens when you’ve had a bad day and all you want is a hug from your partner or when you miss them so bad, you can’t take it?

‘It takes a lot of time and patience,’ says RV who believes that one has to invest a lot of time and emotion to make up for time apart. Much like V had to.

‘Knowing that the long distance was only for a couple of months, made it easy. I missed him like crazy at times. Sometimes, it got so bad I almost thought of ending it, but then I’d remind myself of the big picture. You love this person enough to want to be with them? Then the long distance is just a hurdle you have to cross…’ says V. She is now married to the guy, so yeah, she crossed the hurdle.

If your partner is in the same country as you at least you are in the same time zone. Honey had to battle a transatlantic time-zone war to keep her relationship going. This essentially meant that when she slept, her guy was awake and vice-versa. ‘We both were sure we wanted it to work. Ending it was not an option.  We web-cammed, shared filmy music, shayari and photographs to reassure each other. If you want to make it work, you can,’ she explains. She also thinks that observing her parents, who shared a LDR for a while, has taught her that the distance can actually work in the favour of the relationship. It can make you independent, strong and it can teach you the value of the much spoken about ‘space’ between couples. ‘It is not for the weak hearted, though. You will spend a lot of time away from your partner and that takes strength,’ she warns.

In conclusion, if you really love this person and the idea of long distance is bogging you down, think again. Give it a shot, it’s worth it. And finally, based on the yapping I did on twitter, here are three things you should focus on.

1.    Be strong. Remind yourself of the big picture and be ready to do what it takes to make it work.

2.    Keep communication channels open. This will reduce misunderstandings and reassure your partner of your sincerity

3.    Use technology. Skype, email, IM etc are free. They will reduce your phone bills!
And yeah, good luck, I say!

PS: SMSers I hope you guys give it a shot. This one’s for you

13 comments for “Judaai Is Not The End of Pyaar

  1. January 6, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    Yep what I forgot to say was, that my comments only imply if you are looking to get something meaningful out of that relationship and you really really like the person
    I mean I don’t get how geographical boundaries can stop you from being with somebody you really care about

    For flings, casual dating, crushes- long distance is not the way to be!

    • January 6, 2010 at 7:35 pm

      totally agree with you Poo. Because if you arent serious in the first place, you wont find it in you to put in all the effort it takes..

  2. January 6, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Awesome article, Shaaq! Very well written and most importantly, very well summarized in the end. Its finally about priorities and mutual trust.

    If you’re serious, it’ll work! And if i may add, its quite the boon for the passionate types – the drama adds to the euphoria when you’re back together!

    Also agree with Razzdino’s last line – with the exception that if you’re both ok with casual dating others and know you’re eventually gonna get back together, that’s also a possibility 😉

    • January 6, 2010 at 7:37 pm

      hey kaushal, thank u so much. it’s always awesome to know that my random pondering makes sense. and you are right, if you are the passionate kind, the passion builds up over a period of time and that can be quite something…

  3. January 6, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    hey !! i agree wid Ashish Chand .. a new relationship may not work as LDR …

    • January 6, 2010 at 7:37 pm

      yup… he cud totally do a post of his own on this issue 🙂

  4. Joss
    January 6, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    Here’s a story: she was British, an English teacher over here like me, and he ran the family business in Sri Lanka. They saw each other only three times a year for the main academic holidays, either here or in Sri Lanka. During the month prior to her trips there was always a suitcase on her living room floor so that she could pack slowly and not forget anything. She was more in love than anyone else I knew, ever since she’d met him as a student, outside the library. She said he was the most well-read person she’d ever met. They continued like this, never actually living together, for 30 years! Then she retired, and went to live in Colombo and I haven’t heard from her since. Isn’t that romantic?! All the married friends who knew her said that the long distance helped to keep things fresh, without either of them getting bogged down in domestic details. And what is more amazing is that all this was before the days of email, chat, webcam etc.

    Incidentally, I booked to go visit her, in 1991, a last minute thing. The day after I bought the ticket Iraq invaded Kuwait. Not relevant, you might think, except my flight was meant to be with Kuwait Airways, and all the planes had been impounded. Luckily, my travel agent said I could go anywhere else in the world, to the same value ticket. And that was how I ended up in Bombay! I had never intended to travel round India on my own, but there I was. I headed for Udaipur and had an amazing two weeks. Then it was the start of term and I came back. Without any long distance relationships, except for my lasting love-affair with Hindi film music and all things Indian, which is what drew me to your blog. acchi kahani, hai na?

    • January 6, 2010 at 7:40 pm

      it is a great story of how the universe has a strange way of making wonderful things happen to you. but u have to have an open heart… thats all it takes for wonderful things to happen…
      ur friend could have said this is too complicated and passed it over, but she didnt and look at how wonderful it is… a lovely story 🙂
      thank you for sharing 🙂

  5. January 6, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    long distances are overhyped in this day and age. Ever relationship needs space and unfortunately, there is none in today’s era – Twitter, facebook, blogs, photo albums and YouTube just give rise to more questions and doubts. That said, commuting technological seppuko is not an option either. Like V, u use technology to enrich ur life and not to spy and snoop on ur significant other.

    Technology is a great enabler, and these days a smile can be delivered in so many ways, even if you and ur partner don’t live on the same merridian line.

    • January 6, 2010 at 7:42 pm

      God knows the iphone makes relationships work… 😛
      and totally agree. one shud use technology to enrich their life and not to create worries over issues that do not exist 🙂

  6. yateen
    January 6, 2010 at 9:18 pm

    well Shakti…i do not agree completely with Ashish..
    thats all.. 🙂
    you are right when you say that when you have a bad day, all you want is just a big warm hug…
    but her nokia & my LG work pretty well 😉
    a relationship might be new…the person…not

    see..the bottomline is..
    if you want to…you can easily make it through

    very well written shakti, well done 😀

  7. pri
    April 7, 2011 at 8:23 am

    I read this article a year ago and I came back just to read it.
    Sums up everything soo well, gives hope to those who are willing to take the plunge.

    The rest of us can just wish for love that conquer the distance

    • April 7, 2011 at 9:17 am

      that is so kind of you! I am glad the post inspires people to give love a shot. I had written it when i was in a long distance relationship myself. It didn’t work out, but I ‘m glad we tried.
      And to be honest, i got into another relationship that turned into a long distance relationship but we tried, put in effort (well, he made trips every alternate weekend) and today he’s back in town and it worked.
      Its all a question of commitment, effort and passion…

      Love is not an end result its a process. its worth falling into because of the battles it throws your way… And while it can hurt and feel like a tiresome battle to fight, it is all worth it 🙂

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